My life in the pieces as I randomly remember it.

I'm a manic depressant with very violent tendencies and self destructive thoughts.  I know this but I don't understand how I turned out this way at all.  I've been self-destructive of good relationships and have at times, constantly thought of dying and the joy of going to heaven.  Maybe if I put all this mess down somewhere,,I can remember more and more and then try to put it in chronological order, I want to know why I am the way I am.  I'm not a bad person, I love with everything I have, I help others anyway possible, even to the point of putting my own self into debt.  My heart breaks for those less fortunate and I get really angry with child molesters,,,,I actually think of ways to just kill them.  You know, like cut off their penis and shove it down their throats till they choke, cut off their ball sake so they bleed to death slowly or just bash them in the head with a brick, over and over and over. Wait, I'm moving out of the childhood that I ge...

Actually going to school and playing with other kids.  We'd line out the walls of a house with pine straw and hove doors and windows,,the boys would destroy our walls and laugh as they run away.  Silly boys, didn't understand you were only supposed to use the doors to enter and exit. Going to a nice doctor house place to have my tonsils removed and having Popsicle and ice cream.  Then going back later because they had grown back!  So I got more Popsicle and ice cream and jello. My step-father pinching my nipples every time i walked by, till mama told him to stop that, it hurt.  I learned to run around the other way to go outside.  Why didn't I ever tell that it bothered me.  I think by then I knew that it would make mama unhappy and I didn't want to do that. Mama and daddy had separated,,,I didn't know or understand what divorce was.  And I never under stood why other people/kids said their parents didn't live together anymore and they didn'...

Playing in the ditch with worms(NOT).  Mama come out on the porch looking or checking on me,,,I turn and say "look at the big worm I found in the ditch"....Mama says "Honey put the worm down please, it's too big to play with,,,please put down the worm"  I didn't want too but I did what mama said.  It was a moccasin snake.  See God was taking care of me always. This is the house that was down the hill from the brown house on top of the hill.  I don't remember which came first,,,I do remember the hog in the house down the hill vs the house on top of the hill. We had a wringer washer on the back porch and I remember standing on a crate to turn the wringer for mama,,,then my aunt B either being outside already or taking the laundry outside to hang it on the line and that hog chasing her around.  I think this house down the hill must have been first.  This is where Darlene tortured me a lot.  One Sunday we were all dressed nice, could of been E...

Earlier or younger....the brown house on the hill...i kept putting the for rent sign up in the window cause I thought it kept falling.   People was stopping and asking about renting it over and over.  Mama finally figured it out and took that sign and thru it under the house and told me not to put it back up.  It broke my little heart cause I thought I was helping by putting it back up. Mama and daddy must have taken us to the circus at some point, cause the next day or so Darlene wanted to play a new game.  She says "Brenda come stand next to the shed, put your feet together and spread your arms out." never accrued to me to ask why.  Now she pulls the darts out of her dress pocket and says be still. I yell and say WAIT..what if you hit my face?  This made her think and she went on the porch and got the straw broom and handed it to me and said "Put that in front of your face"  Do you know..I actually stood there and let her throw darts at me. ...

More random memories,,,,skipping school and hiding in the garage top,,,why would I do that,,,it was boring.Most of the memories I find are from Holderness st and a few from other places.  But remember, none of this is in chronological order, just my thoughts. Walking to school with Darlene down the railway tracks.  Of course we had been told not to walk that way but as other children do, we knew that was the shortest way and Darlene said it was ok,,,so it was ok.  I don't remember the names of any of the schools I attended.  But in this school I had a black man as a teacher and back in the very early 60's that was unusable.  I do remember he hit my hand with a ruler for talking in class and I went home crying to my step-father.  He went to the school the next day and told that man not to hit me anymore,,to call home and they would punish me. I also remember there was a girl that said she was going to beat me up.  I have no idea why.  But I also ...

My first introduction to sex.  I remember waking up with my step-father sucking his finger and then putting it into my vagina.  He was pumping his penis while he kept going in and out of my vagina to taste.  I remember rolling over and trying to act like i was still asleep so he would stop.  why was he in my bed you may ask?  My mother was in the hospital to give birth to my half brother or to have a mis-carriage,,,not sure which, but i know there was a baby in the dresser drawer (left open) on the bottom next to my mother and step-fathers bed.  I had never slept alone because me and Darlene shared a bed, so when mama said Darlene was going to sleep with the baby to watch her, my step-father slept with me to keep me company.  I know it wasn't rape by genitalia and his penis did not penetrate me, but to me it was a violation.  I know about sex because my sister talked about it but i didn't understand why my step-father would be messing with me....

2018-02-16 #2  It would only be polite to introduce you to the family members I remember: Mama - I know now that she was depressed 90% of the time, and probably wanted to committ suicide, but she never would because of her responsibilities, but hid it well.  I remember that she worked as a cab driver at night, took care of her mother during the day, did laundry, cooked dinner, tried to take care of everything, till we got old enough to help.  Big mama wasn't always where she had to be taken care of.  When did my mother sleep? Daddy - Thin, drunk, handsome, holding my hand, sitting in his lap, standing next to him while he was drivingdrive with him and being offered a little sip of his southern comfort that was under the seat.  I don't feel fear now in my memories,,I loved my daddy with the innocent love of a child who doesn't know any better.  As an adult I see the disregard for safety in that whole scenario. Darlene -  My sister,I followed her ...

2018-02-16.  Wow I wait until I'm 58 years old to start writing down stuff that has been floating in my head and nightmare for all my life.  Random sparks of memory that I wonder is real or made up from movies and books that I may have seen or read. People talk about their old teachers, school friends, pets and going places.  I don't remember the name of not one of my school teachers, i remember random people from the past but no names and pets except a few and still no names.  Right up thru all time. Was my life so bad that I've blocked 89% out and what happened in those empty spaces that need filling?