My life in pieces as I randomly remember it...I want to know why I am me.

2018-02-16.  Wow I wait until I'm 58 years old to start writing down stuff that has been floating in my head and nightmare for all my life.  Random sparks of memory that I wonder is real or made up from movies and books that I may have seen or read.

People talk about their old teachers, school friends, pets and going places.  I don't remember the name of not one of my school teachers, i remember random people from the past but no names and pets except a few and still no names.  Right up thru all time.

Was my life so bad that I've blocked 89% out and what happened in those empty spaces that need filling? 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My first introduction to sex.  I remember waking up with my step-father sucking his finger and then putting it into my vagina.  He was pumping his penis while he kept going in and out of my vagina to taste.  I remember rolling over and trying to act like i was still asleep so he would stop.  why was he in my bed you may ask?  My mother was in the hospital to give birth to my half brother or to have a mis-carriage,,,not sure which, but i know there was a baby in the dresser drawer (left open) on the bottom next to my mother and step-fathers bed.  I had never slept alone because me and Darlene shared a bed, so when mama said Darlene was going to sleep with the baby to watch her, my step-father slept with me to keep me company.  I know it wasn't rape by genitalia and his penis did not penetrate me, but to me it was a violation.  I know about sex because my sister talked about it but i didn't understand why my step-father would be messing with me....
Read more
Playing in the ditch with worms(NOT).  Mama come out on the porch looking or checking on me,,,I turn and say "look at the big worm I found in the ditch"....Mama says "Honey put the worm down please, it's too big to play with,,,please put down the worm"  I didn't want too but I did what mama said.  It was a moccasin snake.  See God was taking care of me always. This is the house that was down the hill from the brown house on top of the hill.  I don't remember which came first,,,I do remember the hog in the house down the hill vs the house on top of the hill. We had a wringer washer on the back porch and I remember standing on a crate to turn the wringer for mama,,,then my aunt B either being outside already or taking the laundry outside to hang it on the line and that hog chasing her around.  I think this house down the hill must have been first.  This is where Darlene tortured me a lot.  One Sunday we were all dressed nice, could of been E...
Read more

Just in case you're wondering why I'm writing.....

I'm a manic depressant with very violent tendencies and self destructive thoughts.  I know this but I don't understand how I turned out this way at all.  I've been self-destructive of good relationships and have at times, constantly thought of dying and the joy of going to heaven.  Maybe if I put all this mess down somewhere,,I can remember more and more and then try to put it in chronological order, I want to know why I am the way I am.  I'm not a bad person, I love with everything I have, I help others anyway possible, even to the point of putting my own self into debt.  My heart breaks for those less fortunate and I get really angry with child molesters,,,,I actually think of ways to just kill them.  You know, like cut off their penis and shove it down their throats till they choke, cut off their ball sake so they bleed to death slowly or just bash them in the head with a brick, over and over and over. Wait, I'm moving out of the childhood that I ge...
Read more